i cannot change the world,
i cannot heal it,
i cannot even fathom it.
i am glad
that i cannot understand.
if i could, i imagine
i would only
cradle my head in my hands.
i thank you God
for my light yoke,
for my small piece
of the puzzle.
i am sorry
for my anger,
for the blank stare,
for the heart-numbness.
i thank You for Your patience
and Your grace,
and most of all
i thank You for today,
for one more day,
one more chance
to figure it out.
simplify me, please.
my heart is a rope knotted and tied tight,
my strength is a pit bull frothing on a choke chain,
my mind is a heavy, ticking machine of unfathomable purpose.
simplify me, please.
gather up these scattered shreds of me and set them alight,
turn them to smoke in the gentle breeze of Your grace,
waft them up into far places I don’t care to ever find.
let me be some still, small thing
at rest in Your presence,
I stumbled through the dark places
and asked You why I was there
I tip-toed through a twisted maze of rain-slicked back alleys and one-way streets
and asked You where I was going
dragged across the rocky bottom of a river, I fought the current to stay alive
and asked why every moment had to be a battle
like a marionette with too many hands on the strings, I was torn apart by conflicting desires
and begged to know the answer to my heart
I wandered in circles like a child lost in the woods
and looked for You to lead me out
I starved at the banquet You laid for me
rather than let go of my shame
I tore at my flesh and would’ve slipped my own skin to make You proud
yet all along You begged me to love the self I’d been born into
I strode through the open with a target on my chest, and took every bullet they shot
because You wanted me to know the hardness of my design
every morning I woke to a stone on my chest
so that someday I would be strong enough to pull myself out from under it
I held myself against a barrage of condemnation and shouldered through all manner of agonies
hoping against all past experience that one day I would awake to find myself Here
I see now that even as I lay sweating through the thick of the nightmare
morning light was gently sifting in, brushing across my eyelids, caressing my hair,
as You sat with me, Your hand on my cheek and whispering
“wake up, little girl. wake up”
Three parts thrilled and two parts terrified,
One part waiting and one impatient,
One part hesitant and two parts fearless.
And in the middle of all these pieces
Clicking and whirring to life in anticipation
Of closeness and touch,
Desire and fear together are the monkey wrench
In my machine
Busting up the smooth flow of things
With their sharp requirements.
And yet my heart is resting on Your Voice,
That one soft place where all makes sense,
Where all is free.
We’ll work it out.
In time, everything works itself out.
like a steel sphere suspended
between the pull of two magnets
she is held
as the centerpoint
held in the tension
she is still
she is strong
the careful act of balance
played out in her relaxation
she feels the tug of all things
but is free from it all
the emptiness of equilibrium
seen in the elegant play
of peace and rest
rippling over the still pool
of her heart
is to obey the pull of gravity
there is no trapdoor escape
from Your will
no path outside
Your unfathomable purpose
for years I fought You
as a swimmer fights
in the waves of the sea
but I see now the majesty
of a bruised reed
beneath the gentlest breeze
the solemn strength
of the mighty oak tree
so fragile before the tempest
I drift and float
on the surface of Your providence
as an insect slides
across the surface tension
of a moving stream
my restless heart for years
has tired of the taught stagnance
of the church
but now my wanderlust
by the changing currents
of Your Way
sun sleeps above
a graceful, grassy slope
soft buzz of bees
lazy quip of crickets.
a lullaby of silent heartbeats
shrugging away burdens.
stones, weathered granite,
names and dates,
the stones sit like old friends
a silent companionship
shared for years,
and years to come.
daisies stir at their toes.
this day is like
waking under a sunny sky
with bright blue delight.
and the air!
with so many unshared memories.
at the Great Feast,
we’ll share and share alike
with our overflowing glasses
and our talk of the good things.
rest is sweet
and time is nothing
and the sun looks
like it will never go down.